officially official

you know your life is either really sad or really awesome when you find yourself at the corner market, counting change to see if you have enough money to purchase a three-pack of condoms and a ninety-nine cent box of kraft macaroni and cheese.

true story.

other sad/supremely awesome things: i just glanced outside to see what was making such a loud noise. apparently its a thing called a lawnmower, and it was being used by JOELORD.* apart from the noise caused by the thing that cuts down the jungle called our front yard, i heard a terrible crunch. i looked down and watched JOELORD fish out a crunched tallboy of olympia in the maze of weeds. welcome to my life.

life. liiiife. its gorgeous, hot outside, i am buzzed and pretty darn happy. money is momentarily UNDER CONTROL. worked a few prime serving shifts, made some moolah, put that shit in the bank, saved a coupla bucks, paid my bills AND had enough to buy a plane ticket to wisconsin for childhood-bestfriend's wedding in june (eeek weddings). suuuperb.

i spent all morning cuddling and making out and et-cet-era with my boyfriend. yes. yes. yes, i just used THAT word. wanna know why? 'cause i'm in a relationship. and we use titles. and i FREAKIN' CHANGED MY STATUS ON MYSPACE. okay, caps not necessary there, but...

backup! last week, in a late night "chat," i asked him what he thought about me. instead of skirting around the issue, i blurted out (once again), what is this? he hmmed and hawed a bunch, but i finally got the answer i was looking for. 'if what you're worried about is commitment, you don't have to be,' he said, looking me straight in the eye. 'i feel one hundred percent committed to you. that's not even an issue for me.' sigh. finally. the words i wanted to hear. i wish it didn't take so long for him to say it. or maybe it just took too long for me to ask it.

but still, no relationship? exclusivity? check. setting aside time for one another? check. commitment? check. but agreeing that we are in a freakin' relationship?? UNCHECKED!!!

so. it had been a busy week of not seeing the boy, both of us busy, working, school, his friend was in town, etc. im not going to lie, i wanted to see him pretty bad. i knew he was busy, but sometimes... well sometimes a girl has her needs! totally unrelated, of course, but after the embarrassing visit to the corner store market where old-grumpy-asian owner smirked at me for buying macaroni and condoms (and yes, the next day i made the same purchase only this time substituting the kraft for a red bull, and asian man full on laughed out loud. im over it), i hit up the PP.* showed them my 'i'm poor and fertile, please help me control the population' card (medical insurance card just for PP), they gave me a year's worth of birth control. i like to play it extra-safe, so i asked for some condoms on the side. the lady looked me up and down over her reading glasses and pushed a brown paper bag into my red face. i thanked her meekly and ran out with a giant purse full of contraceptives. upon reaching the bus stop, i peeked inside the goodies bag. there they were, thirty free condoms of the clinic's choosing. and they were all flavored. FML.

after realizing that they must have sized me up and immediately dug into the slutty stash of condoms, i got over it. free condoms is free condoms! the next few days were a blur of being called in to cover shifts (they know i live two blocks away and am desperate, whatever) and working my tail off. by thursday night, i needed to get out and get my drank on. i sent a quick text to the boy, asking him if he wanted to do karaoke at the crescent. he enthusiastically agreed.

side note. there's this funny test called the myers-brigg personality type indicator. i am OBSESSED with it. it gives you a four-letter result of how you act around others, respond to situations, think, feel, etc. i made the boy take it a while ago. out of sixteen possibilities, we turn out to be the EXACT same type. and it makes sense. we are both socially stretched thin, trying to keep up with EVERYBODY, wear our hearts on our sleeve(s), make decisions based on pure emotion, take in energy from being around others, forgetful, easily distracted, easily hurt, easily insecure, easily forgiving, and flaky to the max. sounds like a recipe for a giant up-and-down roller coaster of emotions, distrust, extreme showing of affection, fights and constant make-up sex?

uh, i mean.

anyways yes. he is ALWAYS late, distracted by friends, forgets to call. and i am the same way. i have just accepted it. i still get cranky. but whatev. so on this particular night, once the boy agreed to go to karaoke with me, i thought, excellent. it will take him three hours to get to capitol hill, so i have three hours to hang out with my other friends at oddfellows.

by 10, i was drinking with susie and, oddly enough, three of our old college guy friends. i hadn't hung out with them since, like, freshmen year. it was fun, but i was eager to convince everyone to get to the crescent. suddenly i got a text. 'at the crescent, where are you?' huh. that was early for him. maybe he actually bypassed the whole getting distracted by friends thing, for once! but then a sequel came through the cell phone airwaves. 'ps. i brought the roommate!'

...

my momentary good mood vanished. the roommate. i knew which one. and i was not happy. so, his roommate. 30. graphic designer. now for the straight up bitchy description. loud. drunk. grossly flirty. attention whore. and worst of all, she seems to know everything there is to know about comic books, movies and art. shit. how can i compete with that?

anyways, it seems like every time we hang out lately, SHE has to come along! movie date with the boy? how nice! he bought tickets! oh, wait, SHE is coming too? hangout at oddfellows? nice! lets get drinks! ...with HER. great. late night movie watching at his house? romantic? no, of course not, because SHE wants to watch movies too, and we have to watch them in HER room? ew. not cool. i dont mind her as a person, but seriously. stop getting drunk and getting all over MY man. bitch. please.

so, thursday night, midnight, i finally get susie plus the old college crew over to the crescent. the boy and his roomie are drunk and having the time of their lives. also, the roomie wants to now leave. but we just got here? i said politely. yeah, but we've been here two hours, she said, turning and walking out the door. i look at the boy for help. he shrugs, looks deeply conflicted, and then walks out after his roommate. i am pissed. more than pissed. i know they are just going up the street to another bar, but he just choose her side! that's not fair! he needs to choose MY side! i'm being an unreasonable bitch but i don't care!

the ol' college boys buy me two shots in quick succession, thankfully completely unaware of the situation at hand. i then storm out the door to find my wonderful boy. he is smoking in the alley with roommate girl. im ready to go to redwood, i announce, carelessly. we all walk in increments, the roommate wanting to get there, me making the boy walk slower as an act of defiance, the ol' college guys drunkenly and confusedly following (hey, where are we going? they keep asking) and susie, bringing up the rear, trying to contact her own manfriend via cellphone. what a mess.

at the redwood we pushed tables together for our growing group. half the table was college boys chanting 'chug chug chug!' and the other half was me, the boy and the roommate. more drinks were bought for me and downed. still angrily sober and unfortunately clear-thinking, i watched my boy get stupider and stupider. his roommate's voice was getting more and more shrill and loud. i was fuming. AND i was being completely ignored.

bitchy time. i turned to the college guys and starting laughing loudly, swapping old stories, and acting like it was the fucking night of my life. i mean, if my boy's roommate was just going to keep directing the conversation towards things that only she and the boy had in common, i might as well be passive-aggressively exclusive with my friends. it didn't work. he didn't seem to notice, and i was so damn angry that i wanted to cry. suddenly i jumped up (woa, those drinks might have had a slight effect) and mumbled a goodbye to everyone. the boy jumped up too. 'where are you going? home, already?' he asked, stupidly. 'yes.' i glared at him and walked out. 'wait, we'll go with you,' he shouted, chasing after me. his roommate jumped up too. fucking GREAT.

outside, they continued chatting happily and i wanted to die. i was hoping that only the boy would follow me home and i could dramatically tell him to go back to the redwood and find his roommate to share a cab ride home with. 'you seem to have so much more fun with her than me!' was the grand finale line i had been rehearsing in my head. now i couldn't say anything with the roommate around. crap.

on broadway, his roommate hailed a cab, quite sloshed. oh crap, where's my money? she slurred. here. i said, shoving the entirety of my cash at her. thanks, she said, to no one in particular. once the cab took off i did the same, marching, arms folded, with some great speed, towards my house. wait, wait, not so fast! came the cries from the still oblivious boy. i spun around, hysterical. 'why didn't you just go home with her in the cab?! seems like a fucking party, you two!' hm. not bad for unrehearsed.

he stopped walking. 'WHAT?!' i looked at him. it had finally hit. here it is folks, our first (or last?) fight. i glared. he grabbed my hand. i pulled away. 'NO, we need to talk!' he said with a lot more confidence and passion than i would have expected from someone so wasted. he tried again, taking my hand gently. 'please, please, just sit down. you can be mad, just sit and tell me what is going on. feel free to yell at me, maybe i need to hear it.'

okay. i did just that. i whined, i bitched, i got teary, i got mad, i got pleading. i told him how i was insecure, how i felt ignored, how i felt like he kept flaking out on me all the time, how i get weirdly jealous of his friends (especially the roommate) and how i felt like i was freaking out and being a bitch. he listened quietly, and then he took a deep breath. i feel the same way sometimes, he said carefully.

so, we're both insecure because we are both flaky and easily distracted and we both really like each other and BAHHHH we're both so ridiculous! in the end, we're like the same person with the same silly flaws. after fighting and understanding and sorting everything out (in the park, at 3 in the morning), we sighed. 'what is this? what are we?' i asked, one last time. 'this,' he said, kissing me, 'is a relationship. and you're my girlfriend. and i guess we better just be honest about it.'

!!!

cue the make-up sex.

...and i have a boyfriend. officially. i said i wouldn't... but i pretty much immediately changed my myspace relationship status. whatever, im a girl. get over it.


appendix!

JOELORD: our landlord, named joe. amazingness; he parks his truck on our front lawn, killing the grass and occasionally running over our garden. nothing works, nothing is ever fixed, our front door is broken, the bathrooms are tiled with sample tile squares from home depot.
PP: planned parenthood! free contraception! free exams (ew, but necessary) free condoms! ask for non-flavored ones!